Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
