On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
