grandma shit on top of the toilet
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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