Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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