She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We banged in his car behind the burrito place. Google Maps keeps asking me to rate my visit. 5/5, would cum again.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
