hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
