I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
