i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
