somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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