I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
