Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
