I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
