just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
