no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
