Apparently you make a good broom.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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