I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
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