He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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