So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
