I just threw up on my dentist
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
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There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
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She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
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