Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
