So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
