I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
