I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Dating After Heartbreak
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.