Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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