I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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