i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
