if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
