I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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