Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
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