we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
