i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
