just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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