what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
