Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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