When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
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