god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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