I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
