I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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