Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
