alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
