I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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