you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
