Cold hands, warm shart.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
