you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Hippo gnu deer
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
