I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
