i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
