So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
