Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
