ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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