i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
