Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Randomize
