nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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