You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
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