I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
