new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
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he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
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I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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