made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
You ruined the universe
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
