Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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