Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
